Every morning starts in the same way - with pain. Before my husband gets up, sometimes before the sun is up and the birds are chirping outside my window, the pain reigns. It's heavy and it weighs on me. A good day, I suffer but a bad day, I feel that I suffer from arthritis. Each joint feels and curses me with every movement. It is implacable; he wants to break me and he wants to defeat me, but I will not let him.
For a while, I denied having fibromyalgia. It looked like a diagnosis of rejection. I asked my doctor to do more tests, convinced that I had to have another illness. I was convinced she was wrong. It was only during my first push that I had to believe the truth. I have fibromyalgia and it's going to be my life.
My husband and I were in Ocean City, enjoying a walk along the sidewalk. It was April and there was always a shiver in the air. The cold was going through me and no matter what I tried, I just could not warm up. I persevered, I wanted us to have a good time and enjoy together our childless weekend. I pushed myself too far and at dinner time my symptoms progressively worsened. The first thing that happened was my appetite, I was so nauseated that the thought of any food disgusted me. I forced myself to eat a little and apologized for why I was not eating. That night, I could not sleep, my whole body vibrated with pain and nothing made him leave.
"Each day, there is a decision between what I should do and what I want to do."
When we returned, I knew something to give; I was tired of living this way. My children said that Mom could not do everything. They saw me repeatedly, on the bed, bruised in tears because I can not make the pain go away. They help me as much as they can and sometimes do more than they need. I am their mother; I should be able to take them on a trip, drive them to the park or swim with them without feeling mistreated by Mack Truck the next day. That's what makes me angry. That's what makes me fight against all the powers I have because it's not my life, but my life.
I was a mother and her children walked in stocks; we used bikes, swam and played games. We were a zealous family. I have twins wandering home wounded and wanting to follow them. Some days, I leave the chores of the house and the children and I finish the day of the cycle as before. We may not have clean clothes tomorrow, but we were happy today. Every day there is a decision between what I should do and what I want to do; I know I can not do it, those long days.
Now, I see everything I do, everything I eat. I take hundreds of additives and the pills hurt me. I have to make a statement because I will never have the problem of one day. Of course, I have stayed so long that I do not think what it means is not painful, and it is a threat to me. It's horrible that one day I can reach the end when I can not get up. I was at the time when the pain was so intense that I shouted, "Please, let God let him go." Then I stayed behind. I am looking for a bit because I have a family that wants me. I will never leave him. I will never stop.
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